report by Duncan Trathen

Goals: Connor, Kabs

MoM John D

DoD Dunc T

Never has a 5s feast generated so much post-match analysis and debate. The jungle drums rose to Whiplash intensity on Sunday with more than 20 video clips shared and  technical details such as “what is a barrier”, “when is a sitter not a sitter” and “how harsh can a DoD vote possibly be” chucked around more freely than a Tory tax return.

The match itself was a game of 2 halves, 2 flicks and 2 big hands from John (aka Tom, Joe, Jim) Dann, and played under the heavy gaze of the behaviour police following the handbags 2 weeks earlier.

Play started slower than the pitch thawed but soon sped up with Southgate dominating early possession. The temperature was rising but soon bubbled over with Saj gently guiding the Osterley centre forward away from goal, only for him to tumble like a sack of finest Jersey Royals.

P-flick.

Top Corner.

0-1.

H-T.

The return of Robbo In The Middle gave birth to a measured team talk and some standing up practice, followed by a much improved second half.

The first of several PCs arrived with a Connor drag flick, mad scramble and a Connor tap in after one of the assists of the season. More pressure followed with the 5s pinging the ball around, wing backs Fergus and Joe feeding James and Al, some unnecessary football from Dunc with a malfunctioning umpire’s whistle, and a succession of PCs.

Next up a glorious team move ended with a flight down the right from ST and a pinpoint cross across the P-spot, but the extremely difficult chance to convert slipped away faster than a trip to a Madras toilet.

Finally a burst through the tiring Osterley line left Kabs free to dance round the stranded keeper and slot in.

2-1 up with 10 to go and just some corner flag juggling Thierry Henry would’ve been proud of to surely nail down the 3 points. But this 5s team is bigger than that and elected to open the game up again, with a succession of Osterley shots drawing gasps from the balcony, some gravity-defying leaps from John and an astonishing line block.

In the dying moments Connor unfairly used his eyebrow to tackle an Osterley stick. The resulting PC hit a rushing foot, but as none of the Southgate players infront of goal could possibly have stopped it, another P-flick was awarded and hastily slapped into the bottom corner.

Ho hum, a dog fight all the way to the end of the season now, but wouldn’t have it any other way.